Writing

Article published in The Mountain Astrologer, October-November 2013. Astrological humor piece.

TMAarticle

A Chain Letter Through the Zodiac
by Carol Strong-Turner

-An astrological humor article, featuring prominent personality traits of each zodiac sign, in a warm homage to our individuality-

It all began when Aries got another of his impetuous ideas and dashed off a chain letter. After rushing headlong into the project, then forgetting about it several times, (there were triathlons to run, skies to dive from, motorcycles to race, and Aries wasn’t exactly made of time, you know), he finally addressed the letter to a buddy from his bicycling club and started to drop it in the mailbox. Abruptly, Aries changed his mind, scribbled a new address, and sent it on to…

Taurus, who carefully slipped the epistle into her calfskin Chanel purse. Later, during her milk-bath spa appointment, she read it over. Initially, she was miffed about the clipped tone of the letter. She took her own sweet time perusing it and considered thinking about mulling it over for awhile. Taurus repackaged the letter in her own monogrammed linen envelope, put her tasteful and discreet beige sealing-wax stamp on it, and sent it on to her acquaintance…

Gemini, who immediately consulted his bulging Rolodex in an effort to jog his memory as to who this Taurus person was. Oh, right! He had met the refined gal at a party a few weeks ago. The letter struck Gemini as odd, so he ran it by several of his closest contacts…er…friends, then into a computerized fraud detection program. That led to an extended Web surfing session, during which Gemini got caught up in yet another networking scheme, and he forgot all about the missive. Later, he dispatched the chain letter to…

Cancer. She was holed up at home, trying to muddle through a rather bad day. She pinched the envelope from her overflowing mailbox and had barely begun to read it when a phone call form her sister-in-law twice removed, with whom she was very close, alerted her that a relative was ill and in need of some TLC. Cancer skittered across the kitchen and grabbed her trusty Chicken Soup recipe. She ventured out into the world –the grocery store- to lovingly handpick ingredients for the dish. Later that day, she got involved in cooking the soup and forgot about the letter. It was sitting on the kitchen counter where her neighbor…

Leo found it after he had let himself into Cancer’s house to see if his loyal subject, (oops, make that his friend!), had left out any fresh-baked cookies especially for him. Leo figured that the letter was meant for him, yet how odd that it had ended up in Cancer’s kitchen. It had probably been mistakenly delivered to her mailbox, and she hadn’t looked closely at the addressee, which was obviously him. “People can be so self-centered”, Leo proclaimed to his nonexistent yet ever-present audience. Oh well, he thought, I’ll send it over to Virgo, because she handles all my publicity and menial affairs anyway. Good ‘ol…

Virgo cried, “Criminey,”, when the letter arrives in her super-tamper-proof mailbox, “another chain letter! I have no time for this foolishness when there are kitchens to clean, towels to sanitize, and boxes to organize!” She signed and returned to alphabetizing the jars of herbal remedies, which she’d been making steady progress with since beginning the project two hours earlier. Finally, solely our of her highly developed sense of duty, plus her inability to leave something unfinished, Virgo thoroughly read, edited, and then forwarded to letter to her friend…

Libra, who was tidying up her stunningly decorated home after the soiree she’d hosted earlier that evening for the new ambassador to Paris. Naturally, Libra had graciously worked the room like a female George Clooney, complimenting each guest, making warm introductions, delightful small talk, and engaging banter. After reading the letter, she debated with herself, “Should I send it on, or not?” “I will send it.” “ Maybe not.” “Or, possibly, will, not, however, though…” And so Libra’s thought process argued with itself, until finally she flipped her trusty decision coin and sent the letter to her friend…

Scorpio. By this time, the envelope had acquired a suspiciously worn appearance, and Scorpio was reluctant to open it, but his severe and intense curiosity won out. Who started this? For what purpose? What kind of paper is it written on? With what kind of ink? Poison ink, perhaps? It wasn’t unheard of, he knew. He marshaled his considerable, (sometimes verging on frightening), resources and began an investigation. Scorpio was making deep progress when he was interrupted by a call from a particularly inviting paramour, and what happened next is best left to the imagination. Scorpio, never, ever kisses and tells. The letter ended up in the hands of…

Sagittarius. How it got there, Sag hadn’t a clue. She’d woken up that morning with a pounding head, (bloody spectacular party last night!), and this envelope in her hand. She shrugged it off, as stranger things had certainly happened. Like the time she tripped on a tree root in the sidewalk and landed face down in the grass, staring smack at what ended up being a winning lottery ticket. Sag thoughtfully considered the moral, theological, philosophical and athletic implications of the letter. The philosophical road soon took a pragmatic fork, and she dropped the letter in the mailbox while out on her evening run. Capp would know what to do; he always does. That always reliable…

Capricorn was hard at work and barely noticed when his assistant brought the letter to his desk. If the letter had come from anyone other than his unlikely pal Sagittarius, he would have ignored it. No matter, he would make an executive decision about how to proceed. He could do a valuation on the letter to gauge its worth. Or he could simply print it out in triplicate, notarize it, and sign his name to it- which is exactly what he did. Executive decision done. Then, Capricorn considered to whom he might forward the letter. A thought occurred, “I do so enjoy sending bureaucratic mumbo jumbo, just to keep her honest, to my wacky friend…

Aquarius, who was just coming back into herself from an intense shamanic peyote journey. So, the letter appeared to magically materialize in her hands, which she took as a sign of its significant cosmic importance. (She forgot she had walked to her P.O. box, due to an especially vexing global warming issue that her brain had been tied up in.) After scanning the letter, however, she saw no community or global or universal or galactic meaning in its content. At that very moment, Pisces was immersed in a meditation so transcendent that he wandered into Aquarius’s mindspace. Quicker than lightning, Aquarius mentally telegraphed the gist of the letter to…

Pisces, who was deep in that nomadic meditation when his intuition broke in and informed him that something was going to arrive via mind…or was that mine, or maybe it was time? Whatever. It would arrive when it arrived. And time was such a flimsy and unimportant construct to him, anyway. The letter soon arrived to Pisces, fully formed, in a vision send from his friend Aquarius. “Wow! I mean, what a far-out and consciousness raising message this is!”, Pisces thought. The letter seemed important, but so was saving the world through visualization, which the letter had interrupted. Also important was the date to meet his pal at the aquarium later that day. The letter thing would have to wait for another day – or another epoch. Pisces was comfy with either.